A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?”

“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.

“But I have come all the way from the other end of town,” says the guy.

“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.

“Well, all right then,” replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you – don’t start anything!”

……………..

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A man is driving with his wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.

“Sir,” says the cop. “You were going 60 in a 50 miles per hr speed zone.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were,” says the wife.

“Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily.

“And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop.

“Yes I was.”

“No, you weren’t,” says the wife.

“SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry.

“Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always this rude and violent?”

“Only when he’s DRUNK.”

……………..

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A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”

The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

……………..

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A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn’t want to be late.

The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the Officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

……………..

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