These are notes written by PARENTS in an Arkansas school district.. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take pe today. please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Mona for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: Please ecsc’S Johnny’s being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Lorrie from jim today. she is administrating.

5. Please excuse Ronald from p.e. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Todd has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carl was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part.

8. Meg could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chri! s will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Gary Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Peter from being absent yesterday. he had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s.

12. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. he had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jack for being. it was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Bill home because she had to go christmas shopping because i dont know what size she wear.

6. Please excuse Jenny for missing school yesterday. we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. we thought it was sunday.

17. Betty won’t be in school a week from Friday. we have to attend her funeral.

18. Please excuse Jonathan for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

19. Please excuse Mandy for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

20. Please excuse Terry. She has been sick and under the doctor.

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his Beemer, and he’ll supply all of your clothes .

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom-furnished apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year, including expenses.”

The guy says, “You’re bull ******** me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.”

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegies by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your signigicant other about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of Exlax, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your big toe with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

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