Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called “Jim’s Place”, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired Accenture to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil, it represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice, “Not everyone is so observant but that consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 57%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others but I use the spoon”.

“””””

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Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.

Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

The cannibals swear that they are innocent.

The boss believes them and leaves the office and they all turn to their leader.

“You idiots!”, he screams. “Who ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

“You fool!”, shouts the leader. “For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers and human resource staff, and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”

“””””

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A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner. Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he’s strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he’s swept off his feet. One thing leads to another and she takes him back to her beach house where they make passionate love for several hours.

The man wakes up in a panic, remembering his wife. He grabs the bucket and dashes back down the beach and up to his house. As he reaches the door he trips and drops the bucket and the snails go everywhere.

As he looks up his wife wrenches open the door and glares at him. Before she can open her mouth to shout at him, he looks down at the snails and says “Nearly there lads, just a few more steps to go!”

“””””

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A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child, and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

“It’s ‘Love.'” said the mother. “All I can think when I gaze on this precious child is ‘Love.’ That needs to be her name.”

The father was not on board. “We can’t name her ‘Love’! That sort of name will cause a world of problems for her down the road. How about a ‘Jessica’ or a ‘Jane’?”

And the two parents fought. During a break in the fighting, the father went out to go to the bathroom, during which time a nurse came into the room and the mother added the name “Love” to the birth certificate. When the Dad learned about this, he was upset, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Resigned, he reasoned that he would love his daughter regardless of the name.

The first few years of the child’s life were pure bliss. However, she came home from her first day of Kindergarten with tears streaming down her cheeks. When the parents asked what was wrong, Love said through her sobs, “Th-the other kids at school! They (sniff) they wouldn’t st-stop laughing at my name! (breaks down)” The mother and father did their best to console Love, telling her that things would change over time.
But they didn’t change for the better. The classmates only became more cruel with time. The taunting becaame merciless throughout elementary school, with Junior High becoming unbearable. Love’s grades suffered and she withdrew into isolation. High School was Hell on earth for the girl, with the cliquishness of High School bearing down on her every sad day of her life.

One night as dinner was being prepared, Love came into the kitchen, silently placed a sad kiss on her father’s forehead, cast a piercing glare at her mother, and walked back to her room. While the puzzled parents wer looking at each other as if to say, “What was that all about?” they heard a terrible noise from Love’s room — a loud BLAM followed by a thudding to the floor.

As they feared, they raced into Love’s room to see the teenager clutching a pistol in her hand, with the self-inflicted wound pumping blood out of her chest. Following a brief period of denial where they couldn’t accept what was unfolding, anger set in for the father. He bitterly turned to his wife and yelled at her:
“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame! Darlin’, you gave Love a bad name!!!”

“””””

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