As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -WHAP!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What in hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

“””””

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A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around, and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it… getting it in choke holds, biting it’s tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert! The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Brian strangled the crocodile, and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish. An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool, with everybody staring at him in disbelief. The millionaire said, “Well Brian, I guess I owe you a million dollars then.” “Nah, you are all right man, I don’t want it,” said Brian. So, the millionaire said, “I have to give you something, you won the bet.” “How about half a million bucks?” “No thanks, I don’t want it,” Brian insisted. The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something… ” “That was amazing!” “How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?” Once again, Brian said, “No thanks.” Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Brian, then what do you want?” Brian replied… “I want the bastard who pushed me in!”

“””””

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A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s two.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“Alright – that’s three!” Said the wife angrily. She stepped out of their buggy, grabbed a shotgun and shot the horse.

“Hold on!” The husband said. “What do you think you are doing? We are twenty miles from home with no way back, and that was a vicious act of animal cruelty!”

The wife looked at her new husband and said: “That’s one.”

“””””

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Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he dies.

Bill says ‘Someone needs to tell Steve’s wife’. Joey says ‘I’ll do it, I’m very sensitive’.
Joey goes off, then a few hours later comes back with two cases of beer.

Bill asks ‘Where did you get the beer?’

Joey says ‘Steve’s wife gave it to me’.

Bill says ‘You told her Steve was dead and she gave you beer?’

‘Not exactly. When she answered the door I said “You must be Steve’s widow’, she said ‘I’m not a widow” and I said “I bet you two cases of beer you are”.’

“””””

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