A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

He calls the bartender over and says he’d like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says “Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She’s a lesbian”.

The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says “that’s ok. I’d like to buy her a drink anyway.”

So the bartender brings the woman her drink.

The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks.

The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he’s sitting down on the stool next to her he says, “So, what part of Lesbia are you from?”

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron.

“He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

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A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.

She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

“Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink.

A little while later, after she is done, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:

“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

“Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. David was hit by a rock and got knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat, for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

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