A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.

The lawyer got out of his Ferrari, and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault…

“YOU STUPID HICK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.

“Hick, huh?” thought the redneck. “How am I gonna get outa this?”

After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks, and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle of whiskey, and brought it back.

Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.

He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves…. IT’S HOMEMADE…”

Mister Big City Lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak.

The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” The smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow.

After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.

Then the redneck said, “Its mighty hot today. Folks roun here dont usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why dont you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”

The lawyer frowned, “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”

But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks.

Then the redneck said, “Why dont you take off that fancy tie?”

“Take off my tie?” said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. “I’m a lawyer!!!” Then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie…

The redneck said, “And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!”

The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…

Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.

At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.

The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up.

After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…

or his expensive clothes…

“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer’s clothes and holding the keys to his Ferrari.

He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and transformed into a true redneck,

“I’m waiting for the state trooper.” . . . . . .

……………..

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One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as ‘Rocky’ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”

……………..

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Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, “Doog moaning buth driber,”

The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, “Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith.”

His father says, “Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you.”

The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnnys father says, “Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite.”

Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

His father says, “Go on Johnny.”

So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, “Doog moaning buth driber.”

With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

He asks, “Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?”

The bus driver says, “Betause heeth making fun of me”

……………..

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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

……………..

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