A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore.”

Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.”

Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!”

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A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner.

After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair.

Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“Duke!” the dad yelled.

“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” so he let out another one.

“Duke!” the father barked.

The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

“Duke! Get outa there before he craps on your head!

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There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”

So he gets On the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking.

Then he says, “Thank God, thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!” Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.

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A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, “grandpa, talk like a frog.”

The Grandpa replied “What?, I’m not going to talk like a frog!”

The little boy again asked, “come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please.”

Grandpa again said “No! Go bother your grandmother.”

The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later the little boy’s sister came in and said “Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?”

Grandpa of course replied, “NO!”

The little girl then said “Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog”?

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, “what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?”

The little girl looked at her grandpa and said “Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World.”

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