A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked…
“Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree.”
“Let me show you what I mean… ”
With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random.
As a man answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin… ”
“Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?”
“See,” said the father to his daughter, “That man was not a bit happy with our call.”
“He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him.”
“Now watch this… ”
The father dialed the same number again.
“Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply.
“You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here!”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!”
The receiver was then slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger.”
“Now I’ll show you what exasperation means… ”
He dialed the same number again, and a violent voice roared, “HELLO!”
The father then calmly said…
“Hello, this is Melvin… ”
“have there been any calls for me?”

“””””

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An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor?

I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,”. he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“Only a quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts!” “No way, dude. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

“””””

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Two men dressed in pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, ‘You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die’ !!

“””””

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A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman.

Fed up, she finally went to the doctor. The doctor said the problem wasn’t physical, and said “I’ve been told hypnosis can help in these situations,” so off she went to the hypnotist.

The hypnotist said, “no problem, we can fix this. All we have to do is come up with a command that will clearly tell your body what to do. Just make sure it’s a word that people don’t use in everyday conversation, or it could be trouble.”

After some long thought, the young woman came up with the word “urinate.” She figured the only time you hear that word is around medical professionals.
The hypnotist does his magic.

Later, when the young woman gets home, she runs to the toilet, eager to test the solution.
Nervously, she says “urinate,” and it works right away.

Thrilled, she immediately sets up a date with a man she’s had her eye on.

They meet up at a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks. Things are going really well, and the young woman is really enjoying herself.

A few drinks in, both of them are pretty buzzed.

The young woman, dying to hear what her date is thinking asks, “be honest, what do you think of me?”
He says “Well, I think you’re really smart, clever, and I love your laugh.”

Leaning forward seductively, she whispers,”you haven’t said anything about my appearance.”
He replies “well, you’re very pretty, but not like a supermodel, which I like. On a scale of one to ten…you’re an eight.”

“””””

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