Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

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A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’

Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”

Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophet Jimmy.”

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don’t use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.

Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall 3.”

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!”

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”

Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”

Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Every time you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”

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A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The General manager is setting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!”

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