Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

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A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds, “He wasn’ t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

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David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions, “Are you not afraid, concerned, worried, that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down.”

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