Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings “out with friends.”

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say “hello.”

Last night she went out again and this time I waited behind the boat for her to come home. I watched as she repaired her makeup, got out of the car, and took her panties from her purse.

lt was at that moment, as I watched her put her panties on, that I noticed a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket of my boat.

Is that something I can weld, or will I need to replace the whole bracket?

“””””

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A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain while golfing.”

“I understand, my son,” the priest says. “I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?”

“Well,” the man says, “I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees.”
“Was that when you did it?” The priest asked.

“No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green,” the man continued. “But it bounced into a sandtrap.”
“And then you cursed?”

“No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup.”

“Ah, that was when you blasphemed,” the priest nods.

“No, Father,” the man replies.

“Jesus Christ,” the priest yells, “You missed a two-foot putt?!”

“””””

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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”
Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?”

The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.

“””””

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A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it. She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn’t say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, “Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line.” “Wow,” the woman said, “glad to hear it.”

“If I may ask,” said the Parrot, “what on Earth did that turkey say to you?”

“””””

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