A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.
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Let’s see if I understand how America works lately…
If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the retaurant.
If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.
If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?
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Tale 1: “I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported that the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder in our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that the District Attorney’s office was going for the death penalty because they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death.”
Tale 2: I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after trying it out (according to their policy). The salesperson asked me why I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it didn’t work properly. She responded, “Did you open it?”
Tale 3: One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I worked at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged me with the Help Desk extension displayed.
She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my person. They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my wife had my pager.
Tale 4: I am a reference librarian. I had an Induhvidual come up to me yesterday wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project. She found the perfect site the day before, but being an Induhvidual, did not bookmark it or write down the URL. So, the question I got was, “I need to find that web page with a yellow background that I found on this computer yesterday.”
Tale 5: I recently had trouble with my cellular service. I called the Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech asked the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could see no model number on the phone. He said, “Take the battery off and look inside. The model number is printed there.” I said if I take the battery out, I’ll lose the connection. He said, “That’s okay. I’ll hold.”
Tale 6: A customer called me the other day to complain that the contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim because the customer’s maid had signed a form stating the damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria neither read nor wrote English and would not have realized what it was she was signing. When I called the delivery company to press home this point, they replied, “The maid must have known what she was signing because she signed her name in English”.
At that point I was at a loss for words.
Tale 7: There’s this Induhvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes without activity. Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to find his monitor “not working.” So he gave it the good old-fashioned whack on the side. Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse and his monitor “worked”!!
Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the “loose connection” in his monitor with a whack.
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A man walking on the beach found an empty bottle. He picked up the bottle and a genie popped out. “You have freed me from that bottle,” said the genie. “I will grant you three wishes, but for every wish you make every lawyer in the world gets doubled of what you wished for.”
“OK,” said the man. “For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars.” “Remember now, every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars.” “No problem!”
“For my second wish I want a brand new car.” “Remember now every lawyer in the world has just recived 2 brand new cars.”
“And for my third wish I want to donate a kidney.”
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