Joke of the Day – The Big Test

Joke of the Day – The Big Test

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!”


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Joke of the Day – The Burglars

Joke of the Day – The Burglars

George Phillips of Grand Falls, Newfoundland, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.

George proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the light off but immediately saw that there were people in the shed and they were stealing things. He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked, “Is there a burglar in your house?” George replied, “No.” The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that he George) should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said ok and hung up the phone. He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” And he hung up. Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George replied, “I thought you said there was no one available!”


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Joke of the Day – When Reality Is Better then Fiction

Joke of the Day – When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: ‘Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.’

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river – and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right… but I understand…It’s a Chicago thang’…)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin’s head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol – after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was ‘a public insult,’ as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.”


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Joke of the Day – Radio Station

Joke of the Day – Radio Station

A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, What’s your name?

Caller: Hi, my name’s Dave!

DJ: Dave, What’s your word?

Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, What’s your name?

Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff!

DJ: Jeff, What is your word?

Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff. ‘Smee’ can not be found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question: How can you use that word in a sentence so that it makes logical sense?

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”


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