“I’m going fishing.” Really means…”I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.” Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?” Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.” Really means…”I have no idea how it works.

“We’re going to be late.” Really means….”Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means….”I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.” Really means….”Are you still talking?”

“It’s a really good movie.” Really means….”It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”

“That’s women’s work.” Really means….”It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

……………..

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,

“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

……………..

Want a date? Check out IntimateAdults.com ! The best Online Personals !

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shoot! My glass eye!”

6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”

11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

15. Say, “Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

……………..

Get Coupons at JuicyCoupons.com to save money at online stores !

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

12 . “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all..

13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

……………..

Find the best dating sites on the net at FreshPersonals.com !