Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”

……………..

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Reasons it’s great to be a guy:

– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

– Movie nudity is virtually always female.

– A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

– You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

– Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

– You can open all your own jars.

– Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

– Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

– When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

– All your orgasms are real.

– You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

– You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

– Your last name stays put.

– You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

– Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

– Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

– Wedding plans take care of themselves.

– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

– You don’t have to shave below your neck.

– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

– You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

– If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

– You can write your name in the snow.

– Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

– Chocolate is just another snack.

– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

– Flowers fix everything.

– You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

– Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

– You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

– Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

– You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

– You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

– You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.

– The world is your urinal.

– Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

– One mood, all the time

– You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.

– You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

– Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

– You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

– Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

– You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

– With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

……………..

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Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

——-

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Moses,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot”, sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

……………..

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