Joke of the Day – Top 12 Homicides

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its “Top 12 Homicides of the Year”.

1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20″ long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of “fun” she snapped, pushing all 20″ of the vibrator into Alex’s anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn’t have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn’t realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to “have his way with her” his unwelcome advance was met with a double barreled shotgun. Charla’s (the girlfriend) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The Land lord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slow down the street Megan Fry has jumped out in front of them and yelled. “Boo!” The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting target. “She just looked like a very real looking target.” One of the troopers stated in his report.

7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena’s eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check-up.

9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his “two timing wife” by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff’s officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over “for a cup of coffee and a chat” about the whole situation. What Winter didn’t know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents’ passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, “Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian” Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

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Joke of the Day – The Trip

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

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Joke of the Day – His and Her Diaries

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

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Joke of the Day – The Cure For Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, ‘How have things been going?’ The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,

I…..w…a…s……a…l…m…o…s..t..m…a…r…r…i…e..d’

The first guy says in amazement, ‘Hey, you’ve lost your stutter!’

The reply comes,

Y..e..s, .I….w..e..n..t…..t..o…..a…..d..o..c..t.o..r……a..n..d. . he…… t..o..l..d….. m..e…. t..h..a..t….. i..f….. I…… s..p..e…a..k….. s..l..o..w.l..y…… I …. w..o..u..l..d….. n..o..t…. s..t..u…t..t..e..r.’

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

‘W..e..l..l,….. m..y….. f..i..a..n..c..e..e….a..n..d…….. I…… w..e…r..e….. s..i.t..t..i..n..g…. o..n…..h..e..r……. p..o..r..c..h… a..n…d…. t..h..e…d..o..g… w..a..s.. s…c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n….g…… h..i..s….b..a..c..k….s.o….. I….. t..o..l..d…. h.e..r……t…h..a.t……w…h..e..n….. w..e…..a..r..e….m..a..r..r..i..e.d,…. s..h..e…… c..a .n…… d..o…..t..h..a..t….. f..o..r….. m..e…… a..n..d…..t..h..e..n…. s.h..e…. t..h..r..e..w……. t..h..e….. r..i..n..g…..i..n….. m..y….. f..a..c..e’

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?’ asks the friend.

‘W..e..l..l,……….I…..s..p..e..a..k..s..o…..s..l..o..w.l..y,….. t..h..a..t….b. .y…..t..h .e…… t..i…m…e….. s.h..e….. l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e … .d..o..g,….. h..e . w..a..s…….l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ….. b..a..l..l..s.’

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