A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

……………..

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A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: So, where yall from?

The girl from New York said: From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: So, where yall from, BITCH?

……………..

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A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

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A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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