Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

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Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.

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Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

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Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.

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Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not. Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

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Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.” That’s what I did.

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Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.

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Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What’s that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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Why Men Have Better Friends

Women’s Friends:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men’s Friends:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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Are you tired of all those “frienship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

My Friend…

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I’ll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

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A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, Get out, old man! This is my barn now!

Tell you what, says the old rooster. Ill race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

Dammit, says the farmer. Thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month!

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