A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

The teacher fainted.

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A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a very weak voice the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said turn around!
 
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A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, “You bitch!” And the mom screamed, “You bastard!” And the little boy said, “Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???” And the parents replied “Um…ladies and gentlemen.” And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said “Nice tits!” And the mom, “Nice dick!” And the little boy ran into the room and asked, “Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???” “Um…hats and coats.” And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad’s elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) “Shit!” He bellowed. “Daddy what does that mean???” “Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I’m using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing.” And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. “Fuck!” She hollered and the little boy said , “Mommy, what does that mean???” “Um, it means I’m cutting the turkey.”

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: “Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad’s up stairs whipping the shit off of his face and mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”

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I get so sick of those telephone people calling all the time. “Yes this is Associates Credit and we want …” Well, here is an effective way to get them to quit calling.

Caller: Hello this is (company or item being sold) and we would like to speak to (whoever). Are they available?

Me: Yeah. (Long silence) You wanna talk to em?

Caller: Um, Yes please. Thank you.

Me: Well, I’m not gonna give them the phone. (I was about 13 when I tried this)

Caller: Little girl, let me speak with you mother or …

Me: Or what?

Caller: I just …”

Me: hang on please …

Caller: (mumbling) finally … I hate kids …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten minutes, picks up phone and to my surprise she is still there, disguise my voice) Hello, this is (whoever), may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I am from –

Me: Hold please

Caller: (sigh)

Me: (no longer disguising my voice but faking crying ten minutes later) I have no friends … it would be nice to have a friend, seeing how persistent you are, maybe you would like to be my friend??

Caller: (exasperated) LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MOTHER!!

Me: UGH ok!

Caller: Jeez …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten more minutes, disguises voice) Hello I’m back, I was in the bathroom. I have had this terrible pain in my stomach and it makes me –

Caller: MA’AM!! Hello, I am from (company) and I was –

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Caller: Ma’am?? Ma’am is everything alright???? Ma’am!!

Me: Sorry, I saw what I thought was a bug. It was an old raisin. Do you like raisins? I like em, they do give me gas sometimes and –

Caller: Mrs. (whoever) I am from (company) and I was wondering –

Me: Why did you interrupt me? That was rude. I was just going to tell you that raisins get stuck in my teeth sometimes and my husband gets dia –

Caller: Ma’am I really am not interested in what happens when you eat raisins and –

Me: I am really not interested in whatever you want to sell me … (no longer disguising my voice)

Caller: YOU! Please, I am begging you let me talk to your mother …

Me: Oh … She is not here. But, I still have no friends and …:)

Caller: OGHUGHG!! (hangs up LOUDLY)

The funniest part of the story is my mother was sitting next to me the whole time holding another phone, listening to the whole thing …..
 
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