A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

……………..

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

————————-

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.

————————-

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

————————-

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.

————————-

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not. Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

————————-

Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.” That’s what I did.

————————-

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.

————————-

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What’s that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

————————-

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

……………..

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women’s Friends:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men’s Friends:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

……………..

Want a date? Check out IntimateAdults.com ! The best Online Personals !

Are you tired of all those “frienship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

My Friend…

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I’ll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

……………..

Get Coupons at JuicyCoupons.com to save money at online stores !