A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” The lawyer interrupted, “Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.” He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

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A little boy and a little girl were in the bathtub having a bath together. The boy notices the girl looking down at him.

“Can I touch it?” she asks.

The boy replies, “No way! You already broke yours off!”

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.” The cat thinks for a moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “say no more.” And a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more.” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?” The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!”

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