She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the Second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house was worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home… including the curtain rods.

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Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn’t). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies…”Fireman.” The king tells his army, “Burn off his penis.” Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said….”I…I…I…I’m a police officer.” The king ordered, “Shoot off his penis.” Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, “Lollipop salesman.”
 
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that hill”.

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house”, the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

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So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, “Why is your head the size of a tangerine??” and the sailor tells this story:

“Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you dont think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever. Well, she told me that I looked like I was is a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: “I’ve been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I’d really love would be to have sex with you.” and she said, “That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish” so I said, “How about a little head?”

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