A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that hill”.

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house”, the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

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So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, “Why is your head the size of a tangerine??” and the sailor tells this story:

“Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you dont think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever. Well, she told me that I looked like I was is a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: “I’ve been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I’d really love would be to have sex with you.” and she said, “That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish” so I said, “How about a little head?”

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A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

The teacher fainted.

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A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a very weak voice the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said turn around!
 
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