It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school that my friend Doug and I were out at night patrolling the neighborhood for a potential something to do.
This had been our nightly routine for some time now, and was basically an excuse to walk around looking cool and smoke. The night was going its usual pace and after an appetizer of kicking over a few garbage cans and knocking on a couple of doors and running away, it was time for our main course. Now when I say “main course” don’t think that there was one all-inclusive, high and mighty event that we use to close the evening with. It was just the time of night that we did whatever it took to exceed our prior doings for that evening.
It was then we saw our destiny. Across the street we spotted two beautiful blonde girls walking together. We crossed the street, approached them, and started our best ‘slick-dick’ conversation to get them to want to hang with us. Well whatever we said, it worked and they went off walking with us.
I don’t recall if it was Doug or I who suggested it, but we asked them if they wanted to go have a seance in this dark alley with us. They agreed and Doug ran home real quick to get a candle from his house to make it official. Upon his return, we began to make our way down the alley, already beginning to speak of death and demons to get the girls in the mood. It’s kinda funny how when you are a teenager and you come across someone you want to fuck (which was just about anyone), you subconsciously do the furthest thing from sexual seduction possible. The extent of a ‘turn off’ I was about to pull, was a horror that not even I could predict.
We made our way to a flat part of the alley, sat in a circle, placed the candle in the center and lit it. We began our best scare technique, that was to the best of our teenage male minds, just what they needed to scare them into sexual submission. Our attempt was meager at best and would have failed to scare a toddler let alone teenage girls. It was then out of desperation, that Doug had an idea that would send me to a state of embarrassment and humiliation that is inconceivable. He leaned over to me and whispered, “Why don’t you pull down your pants and fart on the candle flame. It will shoot out a big burst of fire and that will surely scare them.” Why that sounded logical to me remains a mystery in my brain to this day but at the time it sounded reasonable.
I began the stealth fumbling to undo my pants and work my fart as close to my anus as possible so it was ready to go. After I was all prepared, I gave a look to Doug to tell him here it goes. In one lightening fast move I stood up, pulled down my pants and positioned my ass over the fire but when I went to fart I shot the biggest stream of diarrhea I have ever created in my life, all over the place. It extinguished the candle creating an exceptionally smelly vapor. It shot all over the laps of the girls who immediately jumped up and ran down the ally screaming. The screaming caused all the dogs down the ally to start barking. All the dogs barking caused numerous back porch lights to come on. And there I stood in the middle of it all, pants down around my ankles, dick blowin’ in the wind and shit running down my leg watching Doug run the opposite way down the alley away from me.
It was at that moment I experienced the unbreakable pinnacle of embarrassing moments that I doubt I will ever out do.
And Yes….the story is true.
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