1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND….. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally… Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at The Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

“Don’t worry About that,” says St. Peter, “It’s only someone having the holes put Into her shoulder blades for her wings.”

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

“Oh my goodness,” she says, “Now what is happening?” “Not to worry,” says St.Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”” “You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.”

“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that!”

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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

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