A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, “You Canadian folks eat the whole bread?” The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”

The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada.” The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. “D’ya eat jelly with the bread?” Sighing, the Canadian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada.”

The Canadian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?” The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.” The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?” “We throw them away, of course.” Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”

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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it.”

“Then why don’t you drive it away.” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

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A woman brought a rather dead looking duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! . READY ?

. . The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.00.

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Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

“Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me…he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an’

gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks..”

“Oh, yeah.. I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

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