Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son,” said one proudly, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,” he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.”

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, “but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.”
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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid ‘A’. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

……………..

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42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you can’t fix it with duck tape you have’nt used enough

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they’ll all think your on drugs.

Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

“Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.”

I Swear to drunk I’m Not god

“Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.”.

“I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose”

“Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass”

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved

A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income

Never trust a computer you can’t throw out the window

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The best thing about Alzheimers is : You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

…………………

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Ten Times The Normal Size

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.

————

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