A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldnt move. Oh, Lord, the preacher prayed, Im so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish….please make a Christian out of that bear thats coming at me. Please, Lord!

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preachers feet. Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…..

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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as theyre getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where theyre going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and Im just a lawyer and Im getting the finest of everything?

The angel replied, No mistake, sir. Weve had lots of popes here, but youre the first lawyer weve ever had.

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Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your days not so bad, is it?
“““““

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Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So where y’all from?” The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

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