Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him.

Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on.”

So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,”darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!”

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go.

It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner.

He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn’t hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom.

He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise — Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

So Superman is flying by and he sees Wonder women sunbathing nude on top of a building….. He thinks to himself…” I wonder if she’d notice if I’m real quick”…. So he flys down, bangs her quick and fly’s out.
Wonder women sits up and is like, ” What the hell was that?” the invisible man sits up and says, “I don’t know but my ass really hurts”….
 

 A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains” I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500!.”

Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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