A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner. As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000. He then looked at his wife and said, Honey, Lets be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says, Lets go see what the damage is

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. I large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. Is this yours, he said.

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window. The Large man says, that wont be necessary, please come in my home. He brings the couple to the living room where the window was broken. He said I am so happy your ball came through that window. Do you see that broken Vase on the coffee table

The couple nodded wondering where this conversation was going.

I am a genie, and I have been stuck in that damn vase for over 1000 years. You have freed me and for that I am willing to give you each a wish. The third one I will use on my self The genie looks over to the man and says, What will your wish be sir

The man replies, I have always wanted to have my own chain of restaurants

The genie says, Done, You own your own chain of restaurants. What can I do for you Mrs.?

The women replies, I have always wanted to own my own chain of Beauty Salons.

The genie says, Done, you own your own chain of Beauty Salons.

The man then looks at the genie and asks, What is your wish going to be?

The Genie replies, As I said earlier, I have been in that damn vase for over 1000 years and for over a 1000 years I havent had sex. My wish is to take your wife upstairs and have sex with her for 3 hours.

The man looks at his wife and they both agreed since they both got what they wanted. The woman and the Genie went upstairs to the bedroom while the man stayed downstairs watching TV After 3 hours the Genie and the woman started walking back down the stairs.

The women looked at the genie and said, That was amazing The genie looked at her and said, Whats amazing is your husband still believes in Genies

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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my fiances little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing,! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, shell never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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