The Williams family is having a reunion. The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she’s enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, “They won’t let me fart”

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An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane. He turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

“””””

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I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer and he hated the menus. The bartender didn’t like the space bar. And I caught my waiter crying after he took my order. I didn’t understand why all the servers were down.

So when I saw the task manager, I asked him what was wrong. He said, seems your food keeps getting stuck in testing. I asked if it needed to be debugged. He told me those aren’t bugs, they’re features. I asked if I could get some chips while I waited. He told me only if I also accepted all cookies. I said no. Then BLAM! He hit me. I said what the hell was that?! He said, a denial of service attack. I started to curse him out, but he threw me out for being a cursor. Jokes on him though: I didn’t have enough cache anyway.

“””””

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A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.

She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw, when they were attacked by a man on the street.

In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher.

She asked him what she should have done: “what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response?”

The teacher said very simply, “You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella.”

“””””

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