With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”trying to hide his arousal.

She said….. “Check the garage

“””””

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A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,

“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with,

“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes”

“””””

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Two 70 year old men, Dugly and Dan, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Dan is dying, Dugly visits him every day.

One day Dugly says, “Dan, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.” Dan looks up at Dugly from his death bed,” Dugly, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Dan sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dugly is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

“Dugly… Dugly!”

“Who is it?”

“it’s me, Dan.”

“Dan! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Dan. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Dugly.

“The good news,” Dan says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!”

That’s fantastic,” says Dugly. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday”.

“””””

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An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital. Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried: “So, how’s my mom doing?”

“She‘s great!” he replied. “She will be released from the hospital any day now, and will move in with us when she’s released, and go on to live for many, many years!”

“Wow! That’s amazing!” says the wife. “But also very strange. Before I left the hospital, she seemed very ill, and the doctors said she may only have a few days left. Did she have some kind of a miraculous recovery?”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” replied the husband. “But today, the doctor told me that we needed to start preparing for the worst!”

“””””

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