A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

“””””

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Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.

Little Alina puts her hand up and says, “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?” Putin says, “Good questions”. But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says “I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early and where is Alina?

“””””

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.” “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

“””””

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old b***** outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, “…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Brazil, sir.” the boy replied.

“Why did you leave Brazil?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and soccer players there.”

“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from Brazil!”

“Really?” replied the boy. “Who did she play for?”

“””””

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