Three vampires are having a competition to find out who’s the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,”

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?” asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” he replied.

“Wow, fascinating!”, replied the other two.

Then the second one takes the next turn, “Watch and learn, guys!”

He flies even faster, at about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck

“What happened??” they asked.

“Do you see that village over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!”

“Wow, amazing!”, replied the other two.

Finally the last one steps up and says, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it”

He flies really fast, even faster than the other two, at about 140 miles/hour. After mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

“Wh..what did you do???” they asked.

“Do you see that big ass tree over there?” he inquired

“Ye..yes?!” they replied awestruck.

“Well.. I didn’t”

“””””

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A very tall man walks into a bar and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. “What’s that for?” the lady questions. “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again. “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.

“””””

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A housewife awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the housewife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the housewife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’

‘I remember that too’ she replied softly.’

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

“””””

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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are pone to do), one of them looked at his watch, “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. I’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”
A few minutes later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her date.
“Well, of course,” said her date. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

“””””

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