Two married buddies are out drinking one night in Miami. One turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….And she’s always sound asleep.”

“””””

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Father and son are walking through the dog park when they spot 2 dogs having sex.

The son asks “Daddy what are they doing”? After some thought the father thought it was time for the boy to learn about sex. He says to his son “Son, they are making puppies”.

Later that night the boy had questions and walked into his parents room who thought he was asleep and having sex. The next morning the son asks his dad what his dad and mom were doing.

Not wanting to lie to his son he replies “Honestly, we were making babies”. After some thought the son replies “Next time flip her over I want a puppy”.

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A guy goes in for a job interview to further his career.

He sits down with the interviewer.

The interviewer asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says “I’m probably too honest.”

The interviewer says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

“””””

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A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

“I’m not killing a dog.”

The dog was insistent and the man finally relented. He drew his gun from his holster and shot the dog through the foot.

The dog yelped out of the bar and down the street. The stranger returned his gun to its holster and sat back down, continuing to drink his beer.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, and a black gun belt with a pair of black colt 45’s, and a black bandage around his sore foot.

In a loud voice he yelled, “I’m looking for the man who shot my Paw.”

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