A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. “How did you get that wooden leg?” he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. “‘Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg.”

The bartender said “What about your hook?”

The pirate took another long swig. “Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off.”

The bartender was growing sceptical. “And how did you get that eyepatch?”

The pirate took another swig. “Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye.”

The bartender said “That’s ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck.”

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. “Twas the first day with the hook.”

“””””

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An overweight man decided to lose some weight. He sees an ad for a weight loss centre that says “5kg weight loss in a day, or your money back!”. He decided he’s got nothing to lose. He goes down to the weight loss centre and says he wants the 5kg weight loss package. The receptionist says “we also have the 10kg weight loss program and the 20kg weight loss program”. The man says he’ll just try the 5kg weight loss program.

The receptionist takes his money and leads him to a wooden door. He goes in and he sees a incredibly pretty woman in a big room, with nothing on but a sign that says “if you catch me, you can fuck me!”. With that, he ran after her and after a few hours of running, finally catches up to her and he had his way. When he reaches home he weighed himself, and sure enough, he has lost 5kg! A few weeks later, he realised he has put on the weight he has lost. This time, he decided to try the 10kg weight loss program. He goes back to the weight loss centre, and asks for the 10kg weight loss program, and paid for it.

The receptionist leads him to another wooden door, even bigger than the first, and he goes in excitedly. The room was even bigger than before, and an incredibly gorgeous woman was in the room, with nothing on but a sign that says “If you catch me, you can fuck me!!”. With that, he ran after her and after a day of running, finally catches up to her and he had his way. When he reaches home he weighed himself, and sure enough, he has lost 10kg! A few weeks later, he realised he has once again regained the weight he has lost. This time, he decided to try the ultimate 20kg weight loss program. He goes back to the weight loss centre, and asks for the 20kg weight loss program. The receptionist asks, “are you sure?” the man insists on it and paid for it.

The receptionist brings him to big metal door. The man excitedly opens the door and finds himself in a huge room. He saw a big gorilla with a huge dick, with nothing on but a sign that says “If I catch you, I’m gonna fuck you!!”.

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who in the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “She’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “But remember the pre-nup, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more yacht club. Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account. But the decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” asks the wife. “That’s his mistress,” says the husband The wife looks at him for a second and then says,
“Ours is prettier!”

“””””

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I went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”

I replied: “He can smell she is ready . That’s how nature works.”

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?”

I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready?”

I said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: “Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.”

Surprised, “Why do you say that?” I asked her.

She replied: “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

“””””

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