Two grannies Helen and Patty were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

Helen pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Patty: What’s that?

Helen: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Patty: Where did you get it?

Helen: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Patty hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Patty: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.

“””””

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A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals and they tell them: “You have full rights as employees, but you’re not allowed to eat anybody.”

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

“Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?”

The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:

“No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence.”

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the Tribe.

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: “Okay, which one of you idiots did it?”

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

“I ate a secretary.”

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:

“You fool! We’ve been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!”

“””””

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A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum. While he’s changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries.

He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain.

While he’s standing there staring at the spare with no lugs to secure it, scratching his head, he hears the patient on the other side of the fence say, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

He calmly replies, “Yes?” The patient inquires, “Whatcha doin?” He explains his predicament and the patient asks, “Why don’t you just take one lug nut off the other 3 wheels and put them on the spare to get you where you’re going?”

The man, surprised, says, “That is a really good idea. Why they got you locked up in there? You’re really smart.” The patient replies, “I’m crazy, not stupid.”

“””””

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Several years ago, Dugly was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden saw that deep down, Dugly was a good person and made arrangements for Dugly to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years in jail, Dugly was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often the inmate would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Dugly into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Dugly refused.

He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”

“””””

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