A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

“Let’s have sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said:

“Meow.”

“””””

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe. A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle.

The weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.” The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma’am, may I sit down? I’m very tired?” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?” This time, the Marine didn’t say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

“””””

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Dugly and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dugly looks over at his wife and says: “Your ass is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s butt.

“Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Dugly is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” Dugly asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

“””””

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