I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn’t mind.
>Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!” My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered,

“In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

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Maury and Silvia Goldberg are sitting in their retirement community in South Florida…

Maury and Silvia Goldberg are sitting in their retirement community in South Florida one evening when Silvia turns to Maury and says, “Honey, I would really love some ice cream. Would you mind running to the grocery store to pick me up a pint of vanilla?”

Maury pats her on the hand. “Of course my Silvia. I’ll be back soon.” And off he goes in their Oldsmobile to the grocer. A few minutes later Silvia decides to turn on the local channel.
“This is Kurt McMaster with breaking news. There is currently a deranged man driving on the streets of South Florida into oncoming traffic. We are urging all drivers and pedestrians to get off of the roads as quickly as possible until this situation is resolved!”

Silvia gets up, takes out her Jitterbug phone, and calls Maury.
“Maury darling! You have to get off the road. There is a madman driving into oncoming traffic!”
“Silvia, you aren’t going to believe this. There are hundreds of them!”

“””””

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Fred and Klaus met, as usual, on Tuesday evening to talk about their misdeeds from the past weekend. Fred boasted, “I was at a party over the weekend, and it was insane, the hosts even had a golden toilet!” Klaus replied, “You must be crazy; a golden toilet?!”

After some back and forth, they decided to pay a visit to the people who threw the party to see if the golden toilet was real. Sure enough, they arrived at the house later on, where an older woman answered the door and asked, “Can I help you?” Fred explained, “Yes, ma’am, I was here at your party over the weekend, and my friend Klaus here doesn’t believe me that you have a golden toilet in this house!” The woman then looked at them, turned to her hallway, and called out to her husband, “Hey Hermann, here’s the pig that crapped in your trumpet!”

“””””

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.

All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he’d be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc… The cabbie said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.” The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.” The businessman said, “OK,” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

“””””

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