A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died. In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”

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A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15!

Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’ ‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

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An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about, you can’r get divorced!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”

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A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and her mother. While in Israel, his wife’s mother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

“I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her”

Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother.

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