Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

“””””

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A Britsh man, Saudi Arabian man, Texan and a Mexican man.

There was a Britsh man, a Saudi Arabian man, a Texan and a Mexican. They where all on a plane and it started to shake and the pilot said we have hit bad turbelance some of you is going to have to jump out.

So the Saudi Arabian man said “For the King” and jumped out.

Then the Britsh man said “For the Queen” and he too jumped out.

Then the Texan said “For the Alamo” and kicked the Mexican out of the plane.

“””””

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Twelve bottles of whisky

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!

So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
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I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which I drank.

“””””

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Russian Sneeze

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech in Russia.

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd – a factory worker named Boris – sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks “who sneezed?”.

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

“I ask again; who sneezed?”

In the fifth row Boris starts to sweat.

“Last chance…”

Boris is sweating bullets.

Stalin is visibly annoyed. “Very well. Commissars, take the first row out and shoot them.”

Political officers draw their pistols and take the first row of the auditorium at gunpoint. A volley of gunshots is heard a moment later.

Stalin turns back to the crowd who are stunned but too terrified to say anything.
“Well? Who sneezed?”

Boris is trembling in his seat.

“Alright then! Commisars, get the second row-”

Boris finally musters up the courage, springs to his feet, and raises his hand.

“It was me, Comrade Stalin! I was the one who sneezed!”

Stalin locks his cold eyes on Boris. The whole crowd is waiting in terror for his next words. Boris is trying his best not to soil himself.

After a long pause Stalin leans forward and says “Bless you”.

“””””

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