A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'”

“””””

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,'” asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the… “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”. Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

He said, “Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

“””””

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ‘bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”

The 80-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

“””””

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An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said.

The old man signed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..
And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”
“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.
The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.
But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.
The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,
“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

“””””

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