A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

“””””

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When I was about 8 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn’t enjoy it.” He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin!

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn’t turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages….

Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

That dead idiot had a twin brother.

“””””

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A manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

“I…rub the storm…balls?” the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice.

“I’m so sorry, my father has been learning English. He won’t be making it into work today because he’s feeling sick.”

“Oh! That’s perfectly fine, but…what was the part about rubbing…storm balls…?”

The kid laughed. “We were working on popular English idioms this week. He was trying to say he’s feeling under the weather.”

“””””

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Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

The next day, Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch. This time the Grandpa is drinking a beer. The grandson asks “Can I have a sip of your beer?”

Grandpa replies “Does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandson “No.”

“Then you can’t have a sip!”

The third day, both are on the porch again. This time the grandson is eating an ice cream cone. The grandpa asks “Oh can I have a lick of your ice cream?”

The grandson replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandpa proudly affirms “Why yes! Yes it does!”

Grandson: “Then go and fuck yourself!”

“””””

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