How many republicans does it take to fix a light bulb?

None. Trump tells them it’s fixed and the rest just sit in the dark and applaud.

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How do you get democrats to turn out the lights?

Tell them it’s white privilege to have light and watch them break it.

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How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him it was installed by Obama.

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Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars.

Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars.

Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, “Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it’s a local call.”

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

“””””

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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing!” – says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” – he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”

“””””

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Dugly had been an inmate in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison.

Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison.

After ten years of carefully digging his tunnel without getting caught, the inmate had finally dug all the way to just under a warehouse a few blocks away from the prison.

Breaking through the surface he and being blinded by sunlight. After the inmate’s eyes had adjusted he stuck his head out of the hole to survey the area.

He noticed that his calculations were off and he had dug all the way through a sandbox in a playground next to a little girl who was playing in it.

Without a care in the world he proceeded to jump out of the hole and hoisting the little girl up into the air he shouted “I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!!!”

After setting the girl on the ground she told him “that’s nothing I’m four.”

“””””

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