An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife’s interest in healthy diets and exercise.
St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. “How much will this cost us?” asked the husband. “Nothing,” St. Peter responded. “This is Heaven- everything is free!”

Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. “This is… stupendous,” the wife asked. “What are the green fees?” Again, St. Peter said “Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of.”

Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagyu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat.
“How much-”

“Again, free,” St. Peter responded to the wife. “This is Heaven.”

The husband paused. “Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?”

St. Peter chuckled. “In Heaven, you don’t have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick.”
Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man’s wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier.

“What’s the matter???” the wife asked. “Why aren’t you happy here???”

The man responded, “This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren’t for your fucking ‘bran muffins’ and ‘paleo chicken’ recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!”

“““““

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A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!”

The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.”

The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”

“““““

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A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”

“““““

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,

“Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“What’s the matter darling?”

“Look love,” she said,

“I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen

“““““

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