There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass.

So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell.

As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death.

When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name.

The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in stock market, to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads “J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer”

Paddywack says, “This is quite an amount you’re asking for Mr…”

“Richards,” the frog says, “My dad, Keith, said you’d be able to help me.”

“Um…yes. Do you have any collateral?” The loan officer asks.

The frog pulls a small statue of a clown and puts it on the desk.

Paddywack picks up the statue and says to the frog, “I’ll need to speak to my manager.”

In the manager’s office, the loan officer explains the situation. He pulls out the clown and asks, “Do you know what this is?”

The manager looks at it for a second before replying,

“It’s a knick knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

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Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.

She’s told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.

Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?

Well sweetheart, you know how your father’s a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out.

The little girl starts laughing.

What’s so funny hunny?

You’re wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!

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