A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke:
“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”
Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation said: “Amen.”

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I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, “what can we do for you?”

I said, “I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.”

The Madame asked “You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?”

“Well,” I answered, “my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a ‘house fit for a queen’, so he gave her this beehive.”

The Madame asked, “And what of the third wish?”

“For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.”

“Well, that one’s not so bad!” the Madame exclaimed.

“‘Not so bad!?’, I replied, “I used to be 6 feet tall!”

– Tyrion “the Imp” Lannister

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So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.”

Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.”

“No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.”

“Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.”

So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.”

Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”

“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.”

“Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.”

So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”

Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.”

So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”

Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.”

“Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.”

“Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.”

So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.”

Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?”
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into our yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

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