A billionaire makes an offer to his employee. The boss says “You seem like a nice guy. If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Ferrari, and a million dollar annual salary.”

The employee asks what’s wrong with her. The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous. The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s also as dumb as a brick.” The employee replies, “I don’t care what you offer me, it’s not worth it.” The boss says, “I’ll still give you all the perks but make the salary $3 million a year and buy you a penthouse condominium on Park Avenue as well.” After a bit of thought, the guy accepts the offer figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the employee buys an original Salvadore Dali painting and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.” She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, “Get me some nails.” She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and screams “Fuck!” She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

“””””

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A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”

“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.

“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”

The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.

The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”

The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”

The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”

The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”

The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 127.”

“””””

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A priest wants to go on vacation, so he calls his rabbi friend and asks if he would handle his parish for a month.

The rabbi replies “I guess. I can definitely handle the sermons as I’ll just preach from the old testament but I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with the confessional.”

“Confessions are easy,” the priest says. “Just watch me and you’ll get the idea.”

So the priest goes in the confession box and a woman comes up. “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman comes up:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

“This is easy,” the rabbi says. “I can handle it.”

“You take the next one and I’ll watch” the priest replies.

So the rabbi goes in the confession box and the next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with a man.”

The rabbi replies “so sleep with another, they’re 2 for a dollar.”

“””””

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A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed.

Unfortunately, standing right next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, ma’am, how may we help you today?”

Flustered, she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?”

“Madam,” he answers, “If you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

“””””

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