John falls asleep next to his wife, in bed. After some time, he sees st. Peter. John: “am I dreaming?” St. Peter: “no John, you’ve passed away in your sleep… unfortunately, we’re not ready for you yet. We’ll need to send you back, but unfortunately, we can only send you back as a chicken.”

John thinks about this for a moment, and agrees. There’s a blinding flash of light, and when John opens his eyes, he finds that he’s in a chicken coop.

The chicken next to him says “hey, you haven’t laid any eggs today. The farmer will slaughter you if you don’t lay any” John: “I don’t know how” Chicken: “it’s easy. You just go ‘bock bock booock’ and squeeze real hard.”

John: ok, I’ll give it a try. Bock bock BOOOOCK” John squeezes hard, and out pops a massive egg.
Chicken: “whoa! That’s a massive egg!” John: “I think I can lay a bigger one. Watch this: bock bock BOOOOOOOOCK” and John squeezes harder than before, and out pops an even bigger egg!
Chicken: “goodness, that’s the biggest egg I’ve ever seen!” John: “hold on, this one will blow your mind… BOCK BOCK BOOOOOOO-”

and at that moment, John’s wife elbows him in the ribs and shouts “stop shitting in the bed”

“””””

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There was an older couple whose love life was quite stagnant. Their bedroom routine now consisted of reading books silently to themselves before turning out the lights to sleep with a pillow between them.

One night, the husband began playing with his wife below the covers, and she felt the sensation and began to breathe a little deep. All the sudden, he stopped. About two minutes later, he once again begin rubbing her down there this time, a little deeper and faster. And once again, he abruptly stopped.

This time she rolled over and said “ if you’re trying to pleasure me with your hand, you need to do it for more than 30 seconds!!!” The husband says “shhhh I’m trying to read, and I’m not trying to pleasure you. I needed to wet my finger to turn the page!!”

“””””

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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. T

he next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

“””””

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A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women and we don’t have men, but we have a badger.”

“Huh?” grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.

He spends the night, has breakfasts and thanks everyone on the way out, and goes on with his life.

Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he’ll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women, and we don’t have men, but we have a video: man and badger.”

“””””

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