A couple goes into marriage counseling. The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn’t change his behavior.

First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he’s in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.

Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.

And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they’re having sex.

The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, “my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I’m simply respecting his last wishes.” “Well, what exactly did he say?” the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, “he told me to keep my nose clean, don’t step on any toes, and don’t fuck up.”

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At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go picka her up.”

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So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder…

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says

“That bear you shot was my friend, so the way I see you got two options, either you let me have sex with you or I maul you to death.”

Now, the hunter doesn’t want to die so he lets the bear have his way, and afterwards he waddles home and doesn’t tell anyone.

Then next year comes around and he’s gaining his confidence back so the hunter goes back into the woods and stumbles upon a brown bear. He gets his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tapping on his shoulder.

The man turns around and sees a giant kodiak bear who says,

“That brown bear was my friend so the way I see it either you let me have rough sex with you or I maul you to death.”

Again, the man doesn’t want to die so he lets the bear have his way and waddles home not telling anyone.

Next year comes around and the man is gaining his confidence again so he goes out and eventually finds a kodiak bear. So the man takes his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

The man turns around and finds an enormous grizzly bear, and the bear says,

“Let’s be honest, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

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