On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Scots think you’re great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Scot returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?” “Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds.” “Aye” replied the Scot, “pour the pints and start the clock.” It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.

“Ok yank, pay up.” said the Scot “I’m happy to pay, here is your money” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’ The Scot replied, “Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

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God decides to take a vacation. So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, “How about the Moon? It’s supposed to be all the rage right now.”

God thinks about it and says, “No… I’d like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere.”

So the agents says, “Okay, well how about Mars? It’s really nice this time of year.”

God considers it for a second and then says, “No… I’d really like to go somewhere with water.”

The agent goes, “Oh well I’ve got the perfect place, how about Earth? It’s got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!”

God thinks about it again before saying, “No… I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they’ve been talking about it ever since.”

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Mom, dad and their little girl were walking in the woods when they come across a magical fairy.

“It’s your lucky day” says the fairy “I am in a wish granting mood and I will grant each one of you one wish!”

“I want a pony!” Shouts a little girl

“Fuck your pony!” Yells dad angrily

“Get my daughter off of that thing!” Screams mom

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A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, “Fuck, I missed.” Surprised, the priest replied, “Don’t use that kind of language or god will strike you down.”

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, “I fucking missed again.” The priest overheard and replied, “My son, please don’t use that language or god will strike you down.”

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, “Oh fuck, I missed”. The priest said, “That’s it god will certainly strike you down.”

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down…but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, “Oh fuck I missed”.

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