A farmer buys a young rooster to replace his old one.

The young rooster is immediately confident. He’ll have every hen to himself.

The old rooster takes offense to this. He approaches the young rooster and says, “This here is my farm. I’ve been the alpha male for 10 years, and I’m not gonna let some pompous youngun like yourself take over. So here’s what I’m gonna do: I challenge you to a race. 10 laps around the barn. Whoever wins, stays.”

The young rooster doesn’t hesitate. “Not a problem, old fart. Once I win, you leave.”

“Those are the rules,” says the old rooster. “I only ask for a half-lap headstart. Only fair with how young and verile you are.”

The young rooster mulls it over and confidently agrees. One half-lap headstart.

The race begins. The young rooster quickly realizes that the old rooster is faster than he thought. 5 laps in, and the old rooster still has a half-lap lead.

But then the old rooster’s age begins to show. By lap 7, his lead has dwindled to a quarter-lap.

By this time, all of the horses, goats, hens, pigs, and every other animal on the farm have come to watch. They’re all amazed at the spectacle, and continue to rave louder and louder.

By lap 9, the young rooster has nearly caught up to the old rooster. With one more lap to go, the old rooster holds only a foot-long lead on the young rooster. The other animals can’t control they’re excitement.

The farmer hears a commotion outside. He takes a look out of his door and sees all the animals gathered around the barn raising hell. He grabs his shotgun and heads outside to see what the commotion is about.

He arrives when the 2 roosters are halfway done with the last lap, the old rooster still barely in the lead. The farmer cocks his shotgun and shoots the young rooster. The animals, including the old rooster, scatter.

As the farmer walks back to the house, he loudly says to himself, “GodDAMN! That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

“What are you going to do?”, the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

——-

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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multi-colored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that’s directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, “What are you looking old man… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot…. I thought maybe you were my son.”

“““““

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The distraught woman said “Are you stupid, no! And go away!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

“““““

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